5 Reasons We Shouldn't Have Survived Elementary School

Elementary School was wonderful...but, there are five reasons why all of us should consider ourselves extremely lucky to have survived the perilous journey that was elementary school.

#5 Lunch Lady

Everyone had one....they come in a variety of sizes and colors, but they were all equally horrifying.

I remember the first time going through the lunch line with those trays that felt as if they weighed half my body weight. At first I thought it was cool that every course of food was served to me with an ice cream scoop...but then, there she was....the lunch lady with the veggies. Looming above me with the gaze of a police officer and the girth of a USC linebacker, staring down at me with those lifeless eyes. Her voice was low, a guttural mix of cigarette smoke and years of pent-up bitterness...

"Eat your veggies..." growled the lunch lady...

Dumbfounded, speechless and with a steady stream of warm liquid trickling down my leg I took the scoop of California cut veggies and moved through the rest of the line....Six years of this? How could I survive? The real question is, how did any of us survive?

#4 Speech Therapy Classes

For three years of my life I sat twice a week practicing saying my "R's" and my "S's" in front of a speech therapist. Up to that point I would pronounce my name as "Bwadley Thteven Wandall"...It wasn't that speech therapy was so bad, in fact, quite the opposite was true. What was sad about the whole situation is that to mask to the other students where the few of us "special kids" were going they would say we had a "special class" that occurred only during recess time.

At first, the normal kids were jealous of us...a special class? What happened behind the closed doors and why would I come back to class muttering "thilly thammy thnake cwahthed (crossed) the thidewalk..." repeatedly?

But, as it always happens, the truth leaks out. The normals realized the specials disappearing at recess time all had a few things in common... The curious questions from students quickly turned to jeering and teasing....and so went first through third grade....(tears).

#3 Spelling Bee

Sure, sure, it's meant to be good times for the little ones, but, besides the two brilliant kids who read Webster's dictionary during free time rather than Berenstein Bears the infmaous Spelling Bee is one morning of pure torture.

My favorite aspect of the bee is that you can ask for the origin of the word or a definition. Do you honestly think a 2nd grader will have a better chance of spelling the word "Haggas" by knowing its Scottish roots or that is a tender meat used for traditional meals? The teacher might as well have made up some make believe answer because your chances are pretty much the same.

#2 Earthquake & Fire Drills

Studies have shown that children now are more worried about the future than past generations. How could this be? Earthquake and Fire Drills are a perfect example. Once a month let's fill the kids heads with horrific images of their school building collapsing in a matter of seconds due to violent shaking or grave descriptions of fire damage and death which would be caused when a fire breaks out in the school.

To help scare the kids into submission the teacher unwaveringly declares that these events are not "if" events, but instead "when" events that they will have to face as a kindergartner! No After School Special can calm a wee-one down after that.

#1 Lice Testing

Can you imagine anything more terrifying to a child than having a stranger come into your classroom and explain that there are bugs and small creatures infesting the heads of your fellow classmates? Try being the kid who has the Lice "death sentence" pronounced on you, then you will begin to understand what true terror is.

After the lice inspector informs you (and, compassionately the rest of the class) of your lice problem you might as well have been tatooed a red X across your face because no one in their right mind will play with the kid who has creatures living in his head. You and pretty much anything within six feet of you has now become a Hot Zone of Quarantined Alien Lifeforms. The only hope for the unfortunate victim of Lice Testing is: a) Move b) Hope someone else gets it after you so that the kids will move their abuse targets to fresh meat.